We hate to bug you, but… We at the NSA are thrilled about all the attention we’ve been receiving lately for our PRISM program! We’d like to take this opportunity to express our gratitude to our loyal customers—all US taxpayers, not to mention the global population that benefits from PRISM free of charge. Remember, with the NSA, you’ve always got an audience!
How We Help You
You have nothing to hide. Of course you don’t! How could you hide anything from us?
You and your friends do your best to adhere to the law. But you don’t know the laws like we do, and laws change quickly these days. We help by catching things you might have missed.
Informing on your friends used to be so awkward. Think how they would feel if you had to meet regularly with secret police to report on their activities! Today, that’s as passé as gulags and the KGB. Thanks to our top-secret surveillance programs, you can provide law enforcement with everything they need with no inconvenience whatsoever.
Did you know? The NSA is the best source for archiving your digital activity! Click here to access your data.
Read our handy guide to identity piracy—what it is, how people engage in it, and why password-sharing and other forms of identity piracy pose a threat to national security.
How You Can Help Us
Provide information! Utilize participating technologies from Microsoft, Apple, Skype, Youtube, Yahoo!, and AOL. Update your Facebook page regularly. Let us know what you’re thinking via Google Search and Google Maps. Don’t forget to tweet! Carry your phone everywhere, even when not in use—the tracking feature helps us keep tabs on you.
Respect EULA Agreements! Abide by the terms and conditions of every service you utilize. Read the fine print! Be honest about who you are, where you live, and what you do.
Identify with your online persona! You are your ID! The more of your life is digitally legible, the more secure we can keep you and the national interest. How can we know what you like if you don’t Like™ it?
Spread your social network! Encourage everyone you meet to connect with you online. Include information on your Facebook profile about those who do not use Facebook, tagging their names and other identifying information.
Maintain contact! If we stop receiving your signal, we can’t be sure where you are or what you are doing. Sudden digital absence is suspicious. Keep those tweets coming! Steer clear of “faraday cage” pouches or other signal blocking containers for your phone.
For extra credit, keep up with new technologies. The acceleration of surveillance technologies is identical with the acceleration of entertainment technologies—the better we can monitor your movements and activities, the better we can integrate you into your home entertainment system! The Xbox Kinect accessory already shares 3D images of your living room complete with facial and voice recognition. Soon, thanks to Google Glass, you’ll be your own surveillance camera everywhere you go.